Courtesy Calls
by MithLuin
Summary: Why Alucard is not allowed to Answer the Phone.
1. Courtesy Calls

_Courtesy Calls_: Why Alucard is Not Allowed to Answer the Phone

Once upon a time, Alucard had enjoyed the winters. The long cold nights suited him just fine. But as time went on, he discovered what a curse it was. Rather than enjoying having more hours to be awake in the winter, he now dreaded those long nights. Besides, the weather in England was miserable. As often as not, they got cold rain, not snow. There were missions, but they were few and far between. If the Hellsing Organization needed a full-time vampire exterminator, that would only mean that the United Kingdom were in dire straits. Not that he would mind that, really, but it would likely vex his master. Not that he would mind that either. He smiled a bit.

But she was not here. She had taken Walter with her to a meeting, and left him to fend for himself. Later, he would prowl about the empty house for a bit, but for now, he was sitting in Integra's chair with his boots propped on her desk. "Take care of things while I'm gone," she'd said. The sun had already set, but it was barely dinner time. He hated to admit it, but he was bored. There was nothing to do. He rummaged in a desk drawer and found Integra's cigars. He took one out and toyed with it a bit. It smelled of her.

He was still debating whether or not to light it when the phone rang. Not a secure line; just the generic outside line; the one the hired help used to call their families. His smile widened. He could have some fun with this. He picked up the phone.

"Hellsing Organisation," he said in his deep voice, as politely as possible.

"Hello, Mr. Hellsing? I'm Tim from Johnson's Windows, Roofing and Siding, and I'm just calling to let you know we're going to be in your area. Our new windows can save you a bundle on your energy bill. Tell me, sir, when was the last time you had your windows replaced?"

Alucard blinked. No one talked that much, did they? There were so many misperceptions, he didn't know which one to correct first. So he just answered the question. "I think most of them are about 150 years old. Why do you ask?"

"Because those old windows can be terribly inefficient!" The man sounded almost upset, but in a falsely cheery sort of way. He'd never spoken to such a strange person before. "Do they rattle in the wind?"

"Not all of them, no."

"Well, a window that rattles is just letting out all the heat from your house. You wind up heating your whole neighborhood, which can be quite costly in the wintertime. New windows will pay for themselves in no time with the savings on your heating bill." He'd already said that, hadn't he? "How many windows do you have?"

"Oh, I've never _counted _them. Even I'm not that bored." Though at least now he had an idea of what to do when he roamed the house one of these nights. "But it takes the staff about a month to clean them all in the summer."

"Really? Splendid! I can send out a crew to take a look at them and give you an estimate for free. It won't cost you anything just to have them take a look."

Suddenly, Alucard was very interested. He took his feet off the desk and sat up. "You're telling me you'll send people out to my house?"

"Yes, of course. That way you will have the opportunity to ask all your questions in person, and we can estimate how long it will take to have the work completed."

"Interesting. When can they be here?"

"Sometime this week. Would Thursday work for you?"

"Yes, I suppose I can wait that long. What time on Thursday?"

"Well, it will depend on how long their other calls take, so any time between noon and four."

"So you send these people out to various houses, but you don't know where they are at any given time?"

Tim faltered for the first time. "I'm not quite sure what you mean. They call to check in after each job, and I can always page them if I need to."

"Oh." He sounded a bit disappointed. "Do these men have families, by any chance?"

"Some of them do. Why are you asking?" Tim was definitely getting suspicious. The game was up.

"Well, you so kindly offered to deliver people to my house, and I was just checking to see if they would be missed. But it seems someone will be checking up on them, so in that case, I'm not interested. Our windows will probably hold up for another 50 years, so I'll just continue to find my own…workers."

"Good night, sir." He sounded angry. He just hung up, leaving Alucard holding the phone and laughing like a maniac. And here he had been thinking that there was nothing new!

_Later that week,_ his master called him up to her office. She was sitting behind her desk, tapping her fingers impatiently. The cigar was in her mouth, already lit.

"What is the meaning of this?" she asked him, taking the cigar out of her mouth. Before he had a chance to feign innocence, she went on to explain. "I've just received a call from the local authorities detailing a complaint against a Mr. Hellsing. Despite my assurances that there _is_ no Mr. Hellsing, they are convinced that someone in this residence threatened a caller with kidnapping his workers. Care to explain?"

"Oh, that must be that window salesman. I told him we didn't need any."

"What _else_ did you tell him, Alucard?"

"Nothing! I merely enquired into how he kept track of his workers. It didn't seem wise to me for him to be sending them into strange homes he knew nothing about. Especially in such small numbers."

"Well, whatever you said, he called the police warning them that there was a Hannibal Lecter on the loose."

"Who's Hannibal Lecter?" Alucard asked, honestly puzzled.

"That's what I asked. He's from an American movie. Apparently, he kills people and eats them."

"A monster, then," he dismissed the news. "I would like to see this movie, though," he mused.

She leaned back in her seat. "We'll see if Walter can get a copy for you. But from now on, do not answer the phone in my absence. Let the answering machine get it; that's what it's there for. I do not need the local police questioning what types of freaks I harbor here."

He grinned at her. "Only the best."

* * *

_Author's note:_ This takes place in the '90's, so there were no automated telemarketers back then, and not as many people calling from large call centers. You really could draw them out into long conversations. _Silence of the Lambs _came out in 1991.


	2. Movie Night

_Warning: This story contains serious spoilers for the movie _Silence of the Lambs._ If you haven't seen it, don't read this - not only will it ruin the movie, but the story will make very little sense. You have been warned. _

Movie Night

Alucard was surprisingly persistent. Each time Walter made up the weekly shopping list, he just happened to drop by and ask him to pick up the Hannibal Lecter movie. Walter nodded absently and put it on the list, but it never showed up. Finally, Sir Integra showed up with Alucard.

"It seems he wants you to get that movie," she said, getting directly to the point. "I suggest you find it, and take it out of his budget."

The vampire's face fell.

"Don't worry, sir, the cost of movies is nothing compared to that of silver bullets," the butler assured him. "You won't even notice."

"And it's not like you've ever worried how many of those you go through anyway," Integra said dryly.

Once he'd left, Walter turned to Integra. "What brought this on, anyway?"

"Someone compared him to this Hannibal Lecter, and he's curious," she said. "I want you to get it so he doesn't get the idea of going into some store and demanding it himself. We don't need any more calls from the police."

"Indeed, sir."

Walter returned from his errands with the desired movie. "It appears that 'Hannibal Lecter' is a character, not the title. I didn't know if this was what you had in mind or not." He handed _The Silence of the Lambs_ to Sir Integra.

She looked at it and read the back. "This should do." She glanced up. "Does the VCR downstairs still work?"

"I believe so, sir. It's been awhile since we've used it. When did we get the surveillance tapes for that incident in Swansea?"

"That was last year, wasn't it? I'm glad we don't have to deal with Welsh authorities very often. Regardless, set up the projector so he can watch it tonight."

"Very good, sir." Walter left.

Alucard arrived. His timing was always suspicious.

Integra didn't look up from the book she had just opened. "Walter got your movie and will set it up for you tonight."

"Aren't you the least bit curious?" he asked.

"Alucard, dealing with serial killers is work for me. If I'm going to watch a movie, I'd pick a different one."

"Even so…" he persisted.

"No! It's probably just one of those dumb slasher movies, where girls spend a lot of time screaming and there's fake blood everywhere. Seriously, I have no idea why you're even interested in it, but hopefully you can get it out of your system tonight." She was still resolutely looking at her book, though they both knew she hadn't read a word.

"If you watch this one, I'll watch a movie of your choosing," he tried.

She put the book down. "Fine, if it's that important to you, I'll watch it. But I make no promises not to make fun of it the entire time. And I'll hold you to your word – I'm sure I can come up with something ghastly to drive you insane. I think there's a new Jane Austen movie I heard about."

"And you're _sure_ you have no interest in a movie about torturing people?" he asked skeptically.

She ignored him.

After dinner, she went to see if Walter had set up the movie. He had. Alucard was already there, waiting for her. She tried to ignore his expectancy, and sat down in a chair not too close to him. This was, after all, her house.

"If you don't like it, it's not my fault," she warned. She let him turn the lights off and start it.

"What's at Quantico?" he asked.

"It's the US training facility for Marines and other special forces – including FBI. Just watch the movie." But a moment later she continued, "If she gets eaten, I'll be annoyed."

"Just watch the movie," he murmured.

"'Hannibal the Cannibal'?" he scoffed. "Just call him what he is – a monster."

_Just do your job, but never forget what he is. _

A moment later she scoffed. "See? They know that, too. Just remember they never cast handsome devils as monsters."

"After all this build-up, he better be someone impressive. I'd be disappointed if he were just an average criminal."

"You're always disappointed, Alucard; just watch."

They both fell silent for the meeting of Clarice and Dr. Lecter. Integra sucked in her breath a bit when he stepped towards the glass to smell her.

When Clarice made it out to the parking lot and started crying, they looked at each other. Alucard smiled. "I think I like him."

"He should where sunglasses," Integra muttered. "His eyes are off."

"He _cooked_ them?" Alucard remarked later. "What is he trying to be? A refined monster? How absurd!"

"Like you never drink wine," she reminded him.

He was very happy to spot 'first blood' when Clarice tried to enter the storage shed. But they were both disappointed in the severed head. "I've seen worse ghouls," Integra remarked. After the abduction and discussion of the newest dead body, she complained. "Why is it always women? They never go after men in these things."

"Women taste better," Alucard informed her frankly. She said nothing more on the subject.

Integra tensed up and was very quiet during the funeral flashback. Alucard watched her curiously. He had missed Arthur's funeral, so never saw him in a coffin.

"_Quid pro quo?"_ he said later. "Isn't that what we're doing? You watch my movie if I watch one of yours?" Alucard asked her suspiciously.

"Shhh," Integra said, distractedly.

After the meeting with the senator, one of the guards referred to Lecter as a vampire, and they both laughed. "It's _monster_, Clarice, how hard is that to remember?" Alucard asked the screen.

"I'm starting to think this guy is all talk," he complained. "He hasn't killed anyone yet."

"There was that head," Integra reminded him.

"Weren't you paying attention? That wasn't his. That's the other guy's."

"I have no qualms about slaughtering lambs," Integra said abruptly.

"I never thought you did," Alucard said, amused.

When Lecter slaughtered the guards, Alucard smiled in approval. "Now this is more like it. I told you I liked this guy."

"He does seem to enjoy himself," Integra said noncommittally.

"I just wish you could smell the blood in these movies. The sound and the visuals are great, but…there should be more of it."

"What do you take from your victims?" she asked him later, curious.

"Their blood," he said, stating the obvious. "And their memories and their souls."

She nodded in approval. "That's much better than this freak. What does he hope to accomplish by making clothes out of skin?"

Alucard shrugged. "He wants to be something he's not."

"Oh, this is ridiculous!" she complained. "Why on earth would anyone send a new recruit in alone?"

They watched Clarice play cat-and-mouse with the serial killer, before eventually killing him. As the movie wrapped up with Hannibal free and the credits rolled, they both just sat in silence for awhile.

"So, what did you think?" he asked her.

"It was a good movie. The ending was dumb, though. And you? Were you disappointed in Dr. Lecter?"

"Not at all. Now that I've seen him, I consider the comparison to be a compliment. There is someone who almost always knows what is going on. He toyed with people too much, but that just comes from imprisonment."

"I see." Integra frowned.

"You're just upset because her father died."

She startled. "Now, don't start that. You're no psychologist."

"No, but I am better looking."

She smiled. "You have more presence."

"Thank you."

She wasn't used to taking her leave of him; usually it was the other way around. "Goodnight, Alucard," she said, standing up. It had been a long day.

"Goodnight, Master. That wasn't so bad, was it?" She just turned and left.

The next evening, Alucard came up behind her and said, "Good evening, Clarice." She usually managed not to fall for his ruses, but that time – she jumped.

He burst into laughter, and she tried to hide a smile. "If I'm going to share my house with a monster, it might as well be one that I am sure will not eat me," she said at length.

"Of course not, Master. You name my victims."

"Now, about the movie you're going to watch….I warned you it would be a chick flic."

He groaned. "Can we watch it on a night where I get to kill things afterwards?"

She smiled this time. "We'll see."


	3. Chick Flick

_Chick Flick: Outgoing calls are a bad idea, too. _

Mild cross-over. Serious spoilers for …well, a movie you've probably seen. You'll find out what it is before I spoil anything, don't worry.

* * *

Walter was just checking the daily reports of vampire activity on the international bulletin board that Hellsing monitored when the resident vampire wandered in.

"It sounded like gunfire up here."

"That was the modem. It's the rotary dial system that does it."

"Oh." Alucard pretended that that answer meant something to him, and then proceeded to watch over Walter's shoulder. He'd discovered that many things had changed during the twenty years he'd been locked in the cellar, but he did his best not to show his ignorance. After all, no point in reminding everyone. But in all his five hundred years of unlife, he'd never lost his curiosity.

He returned the next few days and watched Walter. Eventually, he caught on, though he never asked any questions. Walter noted his interest, and passed word on to Sir Integra, but nothing came of it.

With December past, the nights were getting shorter again. Alucard enjoyed having less time to himself. His own company drove him crazy after awhile, as much as he hated to admit it. Integra had never carried through with her threat to subject him to a girly movie, so he was off the hook there. But he did wish he had _something_ to do on the nights when there were no ghouls or vampires to kill. The British Empire was too small these days.

That is why it was inevitable that he would discover the internet.

It started out harmlessly enough; he wandered into the empty communications room one night, and booted up a computer. He dialed out with the modem, just as he'd seen Walter do. And then he started typing random words into Lycos….

_Two weeks later_

"What…is this?" Sir Integra gestured at the box on the kitchen table and glared at her favorite vampire (her only vampire, but still).

"Oh, they arrived; I didn't think they would."

"But what are they?"

"Blood-flavoured lollipops. Would you like to try one?"

"No. I would like for you to explain _why_ there is a box of blood-flavoured lollipops in my kitchen!"

"I found a place that sold them, and when I called them up, they said they'd deliver."

"Found? Where did you find this place?"

"On Lycos. Using the computer. They gave a phone number in Scotland, so…"

"So you called them up, gave them _my_ credit card number, and had an entire box of candy shipped here from…" She checked the box again. "Hogsmeade?"

He nodded happily.

"Alucard, you cannot just do that! I don't mind you using the computer, but I do not want you calling and ordering things. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Master."

"I know it was just popsicles this time – "

"Lollipops," he corrected her.

" – lollipops," she repeated, "but if you order things on credit without talking to me, it will mess up the records. And your usual interests are borderline illegal. Blessed silver is a significant expenditure, not pocket change."

"Are you sure you don't want to try a lollipop though? We have enough."

"You are impossible! That's it – I'm going to make you watch that movie."

"I thought you'd forgotten about that."

She smiled at him sweetly. "You know I don't forget. You're just lucky _Titanic_ is still in theaters."

"Why would that stop you?" he asked cautiously.

"I'm not about to take you to a dark movie theater full of hormonal teenagers on dates to watch a three hour movie about a ship sinking."

"Do a lot of people die?"

"I imagine so."

"Then maybe it's not so bad."

"Did I mention that it's about a girl finding her One True Love?"

He shuddered. "I just remembered – I don't much like oceans."

"Don't worry. I have something else picked out. And you _will_ like it."

That sounded ominous, but she was his master, so what could he do? He smiled at that thought. _Plenty._

Integra gave Walter instructions to set up the movie for the evening, and then went back to work. After dinner, she went downstairs, rather pleased with herself for waiting to use this 'punishment.' To be honest, she didn't think Alucard would mind that much, but she herself had few excuses to take a night off and watch a movie.

When she walked into the room, though, she halted at a loss.

"Alucard, where is my chair?" she asked. The comfortable reclining chair she'd sat in last time was gone.

"I had it moved." He looked at her, his eyes full of mischief. "After all, this is a _date_, so you have to sit on the couch."

"What? I thought I made it clear that this was your price for having me watch the Hannibal Lecter movie."

He shook his head. "No, _Clarice,_ you said it yourself – chick flicks are for hormonal teenagers on dates."

"I didn't think you knew what dating was."

"I was locked up for 20 years, not 200," he snapped at her. "Modern courtship might be bizarre, but the goal is the same. And so," he gestured, "you sit on the couch."

She put a hand on her hip. "Neither of us is a teenager, and this is _NOT_ a date." She looked around the room, as if another chair would magically appear. When it didn't, she pursed her lips. "Fine. But you're sitting on the floor." She walked over and sat herself on the couch, with her back as straight as ever. He was still hopelessly amused by all of this. "And I order you to keep your hands to yourself," she warned him, for good measure.

"Fair enough," he smirked. "So, what movie are you subjecting me to tonight? Do I get to see young women caught in the dire situation of having to choose a young man to marry?"

"Something like that. Get the lights." He did, and then flopped on the floor at her feet. He made no attempt to encroach on her space, and she relaxed a bit. The absurd 'date' idea had thrown her, but she wasn't really prepared to analyze why, precisely, she was watching movies with her pet vampire.

The movie started with a young boy playing video games. Alucard looked back at her skeptically. "Just watch it," she grinned.

But when the grandfather described the book to the kid, Alucard could not help but whisper, "Sounds like more fighting than true love."

Integra replied, "Your vote of confidence is overwhelming."

When the grandfather said the same thing to the kid a moment later, he turned to her, betrayed. "You've seen this before!"

"No, I'm just psychic," she smirked. "It's called _The Princess Bride. _Now hush."

"Does anyone else live on this farm? Or is it just them? Because if so, that's usually considered highly inappropriate…"

"Oh, please. It's just a movie. They probably didn't want to bother introducing any other characters. Now watch it."

The kid protested the kissing scene. "I'm with him – when does this get good?"

"Have a little patience…"

"Murdered by pirates is only any good if we get to _see_ it. And she has no concept of what the word 'never' means. Where's the story?"

"You're worse than the little boy!" she exclaimed, exasperated.

"If you're just going to complain, have a lollipop." She glared at the top of his head; he pretended to ignore her.

Finally, when Buttercup was kidnapped, he seemed pleased with the situation. "Starting wars is very noble work, but I bet you these buffoons will botch it." He seemed rather disappointed when the eel didn't eat Buttercup, but he hid it well. He laughed when they named the Cliffs of Insanity. Integra stole a glance at him. Maybe he would enjoy this after all.

"Vizzini is so absolute. He reminds me of a fanatic."

"He is, in a way, though his only cause is himself," Integra responded.

"Hmmm, I could try shooting left-handed," Alucard mused a moment later.

"You already toy with your prey enough," Integra informed him. "Pay attention, this part is good."

And it was, you couldn't argue with that. The sword fight was interesting, well-executed, and sprinkled with amusing dialogue.

"Is that his idea of honor?" Alucard asked at the end. "Why didn't he kill him?"

"Because he didn't have to. The Spaniard gave him a chance, didn't he?"

Alucard just made a sound that was very non-committal.

When the same thing happened with the giant, he complained again. "Is this some kid's story? Is that why nobody is dying on screen?"

"Don't worry, you'll get a few deaths – just wait."

Placated, he waited for the Man in Black to catch up with Vizzini. When he did, he was suspicious. "A battle of wits to the death? Does one of them really die?"

"Just wait and see," Integra said, smiling.

"Good; I didn't like Vizzini much anyway," Alucard pronounced. "But I prefer more blood in my deaths. Poison is such a cheap shot."

"What? _That_ was her farm boy? The 'I kill a lot of people' man in the mask is the love interest?"

"Well, you didn't think it would be the giant, did you?" she asked, amused.

"No, I thought the Prince's sidekick might play into this somehow."

"He does. But I always thought Inigo was better looking than the others." Before Alucard could question her further, she continued. "What do you think of the fire swamp?"

"Nice and dark, though the flame spurts would get annoying."

When Westly explained how the farm boy turned pirate, Alucard nodded. "I agree – no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westly. It just sounds wrong."

"They never seem to surrender to the Dread Vampire Alucard, either. You might want to think about changing it."

He just smirked. "I don't _want_ them to surrender, Master."

He seemed intrigued by the fight with the ROUS's but thoroughly disgusted with Buttercup's behaviour. "My movie had more blood," was all he said.

When they exited the fire swamp, though, he could not keep it to himself. "This Buttercup is fickle."

"No, just foolish," Integra defended her. They watched in silence for awhile.

"Wait – _he_ hired Vizzini? What type of man murders his wife on their wedding night?"

"I don't know, Count, you tell me," Integra remarked dryly.

"A monster, then, not a man." Alucard scoffed at the machine. "That is not how you suck life away."

Later, Inigo announced, _'There will be blood tonight!'_

"One can only hope," Alucard murmured.

When Inigo's sword wound up stuck in the tree, he said "What did he expect? God is always silent."

"But his father isn't," Integra said with a smile. "It's just a movie."

Alucard thought Max and Valerie were wonderful. "It's good to see old people with so much energy, and still so fond of one another."

"They fight like cats and dogs," she said, not sure how to take that.

After Westly's 'death' and revival, the wedding preparations proceeded. Alucard dissolved into indecent laughter as soon as the impressive clergyman began speaking, and Integra giggled a bit. They couldn't decide whether Florin were a Catholic or Protestant nation.

But when Inigo took out four soldiers at once, Integra knew she had been right in choosing this movie. _'Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.' _There was no other story of revenge quite like it, after all. Rugen's death was nothing short of beautiful. She'd probably been hanging around this vampire too long.

When the movie reached the end, she turned it off before the annoying song could play. "Well, what did you think?" she asked, blinking in the sudden dark.

"I don't know. It had some good parts, I suppose," Alucard said.

"Oh? What was wrong with it?"

He twisted around to look up at her. "It was somewhat…silly. And that last kiss – it might have been pure, but it was hardly passionate."

She just raised an eyebrow.

"It should have been more like this." And with that, he dove at her. His arms did not go around her, but his weight pushed her back into the arm of the couch.

As soon as it happened, she realized that opening her mouth in shock was not a wise move. So rather than tell him what to do, she bit down hard on his tongue, which left her with the taste of his blood in her mouth.

She sputtered, spitting it out and pushing him off back onto the floor.

"If thoo wanted to tathte blood, thoo thould have juth thried the lollipops," he said, thoroughly amused.

She supposed his tongue didn't hurt very much. "I told you to leave me alone!"

"No, you told me not to use my hands," he pointed out, speaking normally once again. As always, he healed quickly. He held them up palms outward in a show of innocence. "It was my impression that dates ended with kisses." He sounded absurdly pleased with himself.

"No more of that! This. was. not. a. date."

"As you wish, Master."

She ignored him, stood up, and left the room in a huff, her long hair whipping around as she disappeared past the doorway. He figured they probably wouldn't be watching any more movies together any time soon. It was interesting, though, to find out what type of movie she liked - he hadn't pegged her for the true-love-and-princess type. But then, maybe he should be encouraged by the idea that of all the sappy romantic movies she could have picked, it was one with plenty of fighting and a romance that started with the girl ordering the guy around all the time. Besides, he had to admit - it _was_ funny.

* * *

_The End_

_Author's Note: _Lycos was a search engine that was fairly popular before Google existed. _Titanic_ came out in November 1997. _The Princess Bride_ was from 1987. I hope you've enjoyed this silly story, thanks for reading. And no, you are not going to find out what punishment Integra will inflict upon Alucard for his boldness. Or at least, I'm not going to write any more of this story.


End file.
